I am not sure what I am supposed to do.  I think something is wrong, but he won't tell me, so what am I supposed to do?  He leaves clues, but maybe I am getting them all wrong....but what if I'm right?

I think I know what he is doing to himself, and so help me, if he is, then I will be down there tonight.  Mind you, I won't be happy about having to drive down there a day early, but I can't let it happen. 

At the same time, what the hell am I even doing?  What if I am not good enough anymore, or pretty enough, or smart enough?  I am going there on Tuesday, but I am too scared to see him.  So I will be in the same place, with the same air and the same trees, but not with him.  What will happen? 

I wish he was the strong one.  I thought he was, but clearly I can see that might not be true.  I need someone to look after me, not the other way around.  Then again, I have taken care of everyone else my entire life...which is why i might like a break from it.

Why can't I have someone that says what he means, and tells me he wants me, and makes me feel safe?  Instead, I have someone that won't even say the words outloud, who keeps all his secrets from me, and who makes me feel like I am in everything alone.  He won't even ask me to see him. 

but i care.  i don't know what we are, maybe we are nothing, but sometimes when i talk to him, i wish he was there more than anything, and i could just sink into his arms and be safe.

its all just a dream though.  everything goes wrong and one of us is bound to sink the ship.  probably him this time.  too bad because it could have been perfect.

i did not get out of the shithole, but it is okay because i am a calm person and i am content with the world around me. 

what other people do to me does not matter because my opinion of myself is the only one that really counts.

you don't have to be here to get here. 

zen...zen is nice.  zen keeps me from becoming angry and setting the complex office on fire. 

Currently Listening The Pretender By Foo Fighters see related

  i have had it with my apartment complex.

  it is the crappiest place to live in tulsa and i am going to sue their pants off. 

  everything is broken or falling apart, there are 6 to 7 people living in one bedroom apartments, and the police had to be called sunday because security did not arrive to tell the drunk men in the parking lot to go outside after an hour and a half.  then the security guard showed up, to make sure he didn't look as if he wasn't doing his job.  i explained to the police office that this happens every weekend and security does nothing.

the police were shocked and started screaming at all the drunk crazy people and shoving them inside.  he told them that if he has to come back to the complex again he is arresting them all and they're going back to mexico.

then yesterday i arrived home to find an eviction notice on my door.  they apparently lost my payment, and are trying to make me pay it again, plus a late fee, even though i have a receipt.  she is also trying to say i didn't pay my rent in may, even though i also have a receipt for that.  i may be too nice to say anything, but my mother isn't.  they'll pee all over themselves if she has to come up to the office with a lawyer, which she says she can do.  which means.......I'M GETTING OUT OF THAT SHITHOLE!!!!!!

i have been so extra busy lately....i finally got past most of the training in my class.  i made a 99 percent in the class, so i guess i did well.  me and two other guys have a bet going that one of us will get the "star trainee" award.  whoever loses has to buy lunch for the winner.

took calls today, and i was really nervous, but i guess i did alright.

Currently Listening Black Holes and Revelations By Muse see related

nice weather.....

  it's very nice outside this morning.  i also looked at the bus schedule and found out that i could sleep in an extra 45 minutes if i wanted to during training.  but i think this is a bad idea.  training classes are at 10, but when i start my regular shift, it will be at 6:30.  so i guess it's better for me to get up early so i can get used to it.

i think my dog is developing an eating disorder now...my mother told him he was fat over the weekend, and now he won't eat.  i even held some cheese in front of him and he just stared at me.  then i called my mother and made her tell him over the phone that he is not fat and he should eat.  i held the receiver to his ear, and he sat up and acted like he was listening.  i hope so....i don't want an anorexic dachsund.

yesterday i learned everything about satellites and how to install a directv system.  i think i might be weird, because other people were napping, and i was taking notes...it all seemed very important and interesting to me.  i also learned all about hd-tv, so if you are going to buy one, i am a fount of information.

also if you are my friend, then you are eligible for the "friends and family"  discount and you get a bunch of free directv equipment, installment, and a discounted rate for a year.  so call me if you want it, and if you don't have my number, then i do not think you are my friend, therefore, you do not qualify for the discount.

but if you are my friend, LUCKY YOU!

wonder what morgan's up to.